i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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