She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize