We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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