i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
