I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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