guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
