i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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