Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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