I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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