I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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