I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
