i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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