So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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