wat bout pragnant strippers??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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