I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
