I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
