bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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