his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
