Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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