You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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