You really coming over, don't trick.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize