im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
