Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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