can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
