so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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