two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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