Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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