We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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