it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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