mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
