My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
