bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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