I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
