What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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