Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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