Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
