I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
