Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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