I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
