Moan for me like Helen Keller
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
