Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
