My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
