A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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