You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
