Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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