What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
