I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
