sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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