I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
