for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
No more Irish car bombs ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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