i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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