and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
