I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
