I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
