That's when you crack a 10am beer
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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