I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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