dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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