How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
