i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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