I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
