I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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