I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
