Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize