Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
