Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
