Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
