exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
