it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
