my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
