i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
