Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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