doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
