There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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