Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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