I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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