I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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