Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
