a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
