You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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